Tuesday, April 28, 2009

More Community Service(s)

So I was totaly going to put up a post (blog) about How To Love A Woman which was a excellent sugestion by a ANONymous comenter here but while I was looking at information about how people are finding this (STNB(B) blog I found that another search: "What happens when a man jacks off" brought someone here.

Naturally I woudl like to be ranked higher with the "what-happens-when-a-man-jacks-off" demographic because STNB(B) blog is rapidly becoming more than just a think-tank for stopping neocons. It has become a really information clearing house. And progressive.

So as a educational service, here is what happens when a man jacks off.

  • 0:00-2:00 minutes: While browsing a "I can has cheeseburger" affiliated blog you see a sexily clad woman in a ad on the left side. Your brain makes you go and check out Sports Illustraded Extra Mustard because there are always lots of hot chick pictures there.
  • 2:00-2:35 minutes: You discover that the cheerleader of the week, a rockin' hot girl named Lindsay Jacki has big bushy eyebrows not far removed from John Madden so you visit a internet pr0n site (not linked here...STNB(B) is a family blog)
  • 2:35-3:15 minutes: You find your regular fall-back pr0n site and then while the video is loading, you take the dog out because the dog always interrupts.
  • 3:15-4:00 minutes: You settle into your chair and loosen your belt. Then the phone rings, which totaly blows your pr0n buzz.
  • 4:00-4:20 minutes: Doorbell.
  • 4:20-5:20 minutes: You totaly have full-on wood.
  • 5:20-5:50 minutes: Your hearing shuts down completely and your heart rate increases.
  • 5:50-6:15 minutes: Because your now deaf you dont hear your mom come in the front door and you dont hear the sound of grocery bags being unloaded in your kitchen.
  • 6:15-6:45 minutes: Your eyelids start to flutter and you focus your concentration into a narrow beam. Incidentaly this is where the term: "Keep Your Eyes On The Prize" comes from.
  • 6:45-6:55 minutes: You fail to notice the faint knock followed by creaking sound of your bedroom door slowly opening.
  • 6:55-7:05 minutes: You totally make a mess all over everything which seems okay at the time but when your cleaning up you always miss something and THAT is why you dont let your room mate use your computer. Also your hearing comes back and you hear a loud scream.
  • 7:05-7:35 minutes: You order your mom out of your room because she didnt even knock.
  • 7:35-next time: Your super embarassed because you always told your mom you dont do that. Also sometimes it may not be your mom. It could be worse (room mate, grandma, Kevin LaFontaine). You admit that you might have a problem and thing about getting some help but in the end its not worth the extra embarassment (seeing a psychiatrist, urologist, etc) of telling someone you did that. It is important for your psychological well-being to be consistent with your message that it wasnt what they think they saw. Remember deny, deny and deny.
  • next time-forever: Although you swore to lock your door you will always forget to.


stoorat said...


Well, I expect the firewall here at work will start blocking this site once NIS's filters send them the content of today's post.

Totally worth it, though.

Stop The Neocons Blog Guy said...

If you get blocked just say that Stop The Neocons Blog (Blog) is family safe.

Anon. said...

'at work'. stoorat, you have a job? What's that like?


stoorat said...

Don't get sucked in by the neocon pro-employment propaganda, Anon; career, family, home ownership, and general adulthood aren't nearly as rewarding as playing WoW 24/7 in Mom's basement was.

Anon. said...

but I always wanted to know what it's like to have an actual job. It's sort of freaky cool that you have one. Share, stoorat. What's it like?